My favorite lyrics: Part I

"...never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?

...look around for the closest to blame

But look no further than the hands beneath your arms"----Never Take Friendship Personal, Anberlin.

"I hope the fences we mended
Fall down beneath their own weight
And I hope we hang on past the last exit
I hope it's already too late

...I am drowning

There is no sign of land
You are coming down with me
Hand in unlovable hand"---No Children, The Mountain Goats

"They say the captain

goes down with the ship.

So when the world ends

Will God go down with it?"---What a Catch, Donnie, Fall Out Boy

"Sympathy's better than having to tell you the truth

that you are the patron saint of lost causes"---(*fin), Anberlin

When to give in.

Sometimes it feels easier to just give in to things than it is to work at resisting them, for better or worse. Tiredness, love, depression, hunger, anger, apathy...There are so many feelings and emotions that want to take over sometimes. So how do you decide what to fight and what to let be?

Recently I've been feeling like giving in, but not to anything good. Last week I forgot to take my meds for 3 days. By the end I felt super depressed and apathetic and angry...and relieved. For some reason it was freeing to just feel what I feel and not try to block it out. Every day I fight that battle. Every day I swallow my pill and resolve to not take a nap, to go outside and get some sun, to do some exercise. And it gets tiring.

I know it is for my own good, I really do. But when I think about it...it's so much work to fight depression. Even when I'm feeling relatively good, sometimes I'd rather just stop taking the meds and succumb to it. Sometimes I want to sulk and cry, not because I feel like doing it at the moment, but because I want to feel unhindered, even if that means I feel terrible.

This is just a battle--one among many--that I don't feel like fighting any more. I just want to let go and let things be the way they are. I've grown weary of waking up every morning and trying to feel better. I don't want to try so hard to be happy.

Reasons why I will never be a good person

1. I'm super selfish. It's all about me, me, me. I know what I want, and I'm not going to let anyone get in my way. If you somehow change my mind and make yourself what I want (friend or otherwise), awesome. But I'm not going to let it happen until I want you more than I want my other wants.

2. I'm contrary. That's right. Like Mary, Mary, the quite. I don't mean to do it on purpose, really. Some things just make me contrary. When I see someone fishing for a compliment, no matter how deserved, the last thing I'm going to do is give it to them. If I know you want sympathy, tough. You expect me to say something, no matter how true it is or how much I want to say it, I won't. I think most of that is because I don't want to feel tricked or obligated into saying or doing something. If I wanted to give you a compliment, I'd give it. You asking for it makes me feel like it's less genuine, even if it's absolutely true. So no, I won't give you what you want when I know you want it.

3. I like Fall Out Boy. I hear that's no good nowadays. Well, Patrick Stump has an amazing voice and vocal range and is adorable. Pete Wentz, though a douche, writes clever lyrics. So leave me be.

4. Sometimes I lie. Mostly to myself. When something happens to me that I don't dig, I lie to myself about what happened, why I did something stupid, etc., just to make myself feel better. Sometimes it's a false history. And mostly it doesn't concern anyone else, so don't worry about it.

5. Sometimes I tell the truth. This is most of the time. And when I tell the truth, I tell it. Sorry if it hurts, but I'm not going to mince words. I've spent too much of my life sugaring my words to other people and have been taken advantage of by some weirdos. I'm not going to repeat that. So I will tell you what I think, when you ask. I'm not going to go out of my way to tell people what I think all the time, good or bad. If you ask, you get pure and unadulterated honesty. It's the grapefruit juice of life. When you want it completely natural, sometimes it's a little bitter.

Is there an end in sight?

I have a very difficult time with the idea of eternity, of forever. I simply don't like it. This presents me with an interesting situation regarding my religion. We are taught--and I believe--that the soul is immortal. It existed before we came to earth, and will exist after we leave. But that leaves me a predicament. I have a hard enough time committing to things anyway, let alone things that have no end in sight.

I'm leaving to China in a couple of weeks, for a year. Yes, I have signed a contract, a commitment, to work for a year. So why was I able to commit to that? Because there is an end. I can see it. A year from now.

I think that's why I do so many things. It fills up my time without making me commit for an indefinite period. It doesn't even have to be forever, it just can't be indefinite.

College, 4 years. LDS mission, 18 months. Study abroad, 6 weeks. China, 1 year. Grad school, (hopefully) 2 years.

I can do these things. I know when they start, and when they end. Or if I don't know exactly when they'll end (like going to school), I know that they WILL end. And I think that's what I thrive on--endings. It's like knowing I've accomplished something, that I did it. Never being done with something means to me like I can't ever say "I did it."

I just can't commit to something that keeps going. More than anything, sometimes, I just like to be done with things. Not that I don't enjoy them, I just love to have something to show for it and be done.

It's a sticky situation. Yes, I have commitment-phobia. No, I don' t think I'll ever get over it. I'm trying to, but I don't think I'll really change. I may ACT like I feel a different way, but how long can that work?

The Dilemma

I am facing a quandary. It is one that pops up now and then, one that I know about but still don't know what to do with. As time goes on, it gets harder and harder to even define what it is, but I know it has to do with decisions.

Yes, I have the hardest time making decisions. It is so hard for me to decide what I want. Once I finally know, I don't hesitate to go after it. But it is getting to the point of knowing that is the most difficult.

Once upon a time...well, two years ago, I was engaged to a wonderful guy. He was handsome and tall and funny and kind. We liked the same music and movies. Shortly after we started dating, I knew I wanted him. Luckily, he felt the same way. So we got engaged. About six weeks into the engagement, things started feeling off. I tribute the feelings to a combination of divine intervention and my own personal introspection. I realized I didn't want to get married (in general, or to him). Less than a week after I made the decision, I acted on it. Two years ago today, I broke up with him.

I think this makes me sound heartless. I'm not. It wasn't right, and though he couldn't see it at the time, we wouldn't have been happy. I think he sees it now, as he is now happily married and a new father.

I am far too back-and-forth, with myself and with others. I am a lot of up-and-down. I am a virtual whirlwind of indecision. Sometimes I am too much for me to handle, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone else. There are people who would say "I love you, I will take you however you are. I want you, so I will take the ups and downs." But how can my conscience let me do that? How can I put someone through hell, hurt them, love them one minute and hate them the next?

I think that may be why I am a wanderer. I roam. I don't settle. I stay long enough for people to get a good impression of me and then I leave so they don't see the rest. I limit my interactions with most people, because the more comfortable I am with them, the more my not-so-pleasant side shows up.

I hate hurting people. I don't want to keep doing it. But how do I change?

Just Dance

Tonight I went to my old high school's Spring Show, where the dance team performs the dances they have been working on this competition season. I cannot begin to express how much I have missed dancing, and how much it moves me.

I think it all begins with music. Undoubtedly, there is something about music that moves people. We all gravitate towards music that speaks to us. Classical, hip hop, rock, country. We somehow find what touches us, as if some part of us deep down is connected by an invisible thread to to some lost melody. And we don't rest until we find it...or it finds us.

And the music moves us...literally. We sway, tap our feet, nod, rock back and forth. There's something magical in the way it finds us, embeds itself deep in our muscles, our bones, our soul.

Watching the girls dance tonight struck me. The rounded curves and the graceful single movement of the lyrical dances, angular and sharp actions of the modern dances...their bodies were the embodiment of the music. They showed the audience what the music, the words were saying. There was something almost primal about it, the way they moved and reacted to the sounds.

Watching them, I longed for it. I wanted to stand up and move, turn, put my arms above my head, feel the music, let it move me. I wanted my body to de-evolve, to become an element of nature, a particle of dust in the wind. I needed to feel it vibrate through me. I needed it to wake me up.

I don't know what I'll do about it now. I don't know if I'll be able to get in touch with that part of myself, or if I'll be able to do it through dance. There's got to be another way to find it, to feel alive. I intend to find it, no matter how long it takes or what happens because of it. I need to feel alive.

Mothers: The World's Greatest Animal Trainers

The basic difference between humans and animals is not the capability for abstract thought. Instead, it is the ability to control natural instincts, even to denying themselves pleasure, gratification, satiation.

Animals' every action depends on instinct. They sleep when their body tells them to, eat when they need sustenance, mate when hormonal cycles signal the right times. Their days and nights are not run and ruled by clocks, bells, open-and-closed, business hours, appointments. The sixth sense of instinct takes control.

What more than animals, then, are children? Infants are aware of nothing more than vague visual stimuli. Even their bowel movements go unnoticed and uncontrolled. With the exception of mating (though with time that will arise as well) children's instincts vary little from those of wild animals. Their every move is the manifestation of the desire to fulfill what they cannot control.

What is the duty of mothers, then, if not to instruct their children, train them, take from them animal instinct? Mothers have the ever-difficult task of teaching their children from a young age that what makes them human is not fulfilling their every desire in the moment they arise.

These mothers are responsible for removing the natural man--the wolf, the blue jay, the goldfish, the jungle cat--from their precious offspring.

I am not a mother. But I have one. Because of her I am not in debt. I am healthy. I am intelligent. I am creative. I am capable. I am ambitious. I like to think I am a good person.

I did not inherit all of my traits and talents from my mother. But she did instruct me on how to control my instincts for instant gratification--for the new jacket, for an extra helping, for an easy A, for stagnation. She showed me the value in waiting while doing. She took away my natural man.

Little by little, she is making me human.

Without the sour the sweet wouldn't be.

I've been thinking a lot lately about opposites and if/why we need them.

I've held the idea that whoever said "better to have loved and lost" probably never lost. One of those optimists because he found what he was looking for without much trouble. I disagree with his theory. Sometimes I wish I'd never met certain people.

Satan tempted Adam and Eve with the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. I was wondering what he had to gain from that. It is true that eating the fruit would allow the couple to fulfill God's plan and learn the good (because without one, the other cannot exist). So what was Satan's motive? And then I remembered, Satan wants us to be as miserable as he is. He knows what he has lost, and that knowledge tears him apart. He wants us to know what we are losing. When we screw up, when we make mistakes, when we make ourselves unhappy--we suffer because we know what we had before. It is the contrast that aids our guilt or sorrow or frustration or hatred against the fates.

Two weeks ago, I had food poisoning. I didn't appreciate my body until it felt like it was dying. I knew what I was missing out on. I felt terrible because I was physically ill, and I felt terrible because I didn't feel well.

My religion often takes the view that through the bad times we can appreciate the good more fully. It is my stand that the negative side of the binary opposite, whatever it is, not only makes us recognize the good for what it is, but motivates us to get back to it, a repentance of sorts, for what is repentance if not a remedy for poor spiritual health, a solution for that pesky anti-moral binge and resulting spiritual hangover?

But aside from religion, sin, repentance, etc., opposites exist. Opposition exists. Oppositional forces exist.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

I feel that my actions are always met with their theoretical companions, and I never get anywhere. For every triumph, there is a failure.

And if we stop pushing, nothing pushes back. We stand still. So is it better to go nowhere than back and forth? Or is that still going nowhere?

Without the sour the sweet wouldn't be sweet. But without the sweet, neither would the sour be sour.

Can we simply choose what we put in our mouth, decide what flavor our taste buds will discover? It is the solution and the problem. If we choose sweet, we become numb to it and we lose sight of the reason we chose it. If we choose sour, we forget the sweet, and become apathetic towards our ill deeds.

So is it necessary to choose bad over good once in a while? Can we experience that pain by proxy?

So many questions.

I think I'll go eat something bitter.

Oh the places you'll go!

It's been almost a year since I've posted last. That year has taken me through Scotland, Ireland, Wales, England, back to Utah, then a drive (and a few near death experiences) back home to Houston, Texas. In a month I will be in China. It's been a busy year.

But, arriving here at home ("home") I have discovered that not only have I traveled and changed location, but my own personal journey has taken many an emotional flight. A wonderful relationship gone awry, battle with depression, meds, and therapy, a new semi-relationship that I'm simply too frightened of committing to...It's sometimes hard to keep track of where I am. And now, I feel like I have fallen back to where I was ten years ago, somewhere between childhood and adulthood, under my parents' roof and rules, independent spirit stifled by dependence for room and board.

I'm feeling like I don't know who I am, or my place in the world. I don't feel fulfilled by what I'm told should fulfill me. The world tells me a career and money, my religion tells me marriage/family/the home, friends tell me adventure. And yet, somehow all of this feels empty. None of these things seem to do it for me. Is it possible I need a combination of all of them? Or none of them? I'm afraid that I'm facing that age-old existential crisis: why am I here? What is the meaning of life? What's the most important thing? What the hell am I doing?

I don't really expect to come to know any of the answers to these questions. Honestly, I expect to keep fumbling through life, pretending like I know or care what I'm doing when the truth is that I don't.