Yes, I have the hardest time making decisions. It is so hard for me to decide what I want. Once I finally know, I don't hesitate to go after it. But it is getting to the point of knowing that is the most difficult.
Once upon a time...well, two years ago, I was engaged to a wonderful guy. He was handsome and tall and funny and kind. We liked the same music and movies. Shortly after we started dating, I knew I wanted him. Luckily, he felt the same way. So we got engaged. About six weeks into the engagement, things started feeling off. I tribute the feelings to a combination of divine intervention and my own personal introspection. I realized I didn't want to get married (in general, or to him). Less than a week after I made the decision, I acted on it. Two years ago today, I broke up with him.
I think this makes me sound heartless. I'm not. It wasn't right, and though he couldn't see it at the time, we wouldn't have been happy. I think he sees it now, as he is now happily married and a new father.
I am far too back-and-forth, with myself and with others. I am a lot of up-and-down. I am a virtual whirlwind of indecision. Sometimes I am too much for me to handle, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone else. There are people who would say "I love you, I will take you however you are. I want you, so I will take the ups and downs." But how can my conscience let me do that? How can I put someone through hell, hurt them, love them one minute and hate them the next?
I think that may be why I am a wanderer. I roam. I don't settle. I stay long enough for people to get a good impression of me and then I leave so they don't see the rest. I limit my interactions with most people, because the more comfortable I am with them, the more my not-so-pleasant side shows up.
I hate hurting people. I don't want to keep doing it. But how do I change?
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