Oh the places you'll go!

It's been almost a year since I've posted last. That year has taken me through Scotland, Ireland, Wales, England, back to Utah, then a drive (and a few near death experiences) back home to Houston, Texas. In a month I will be in China. It's been a busy year.

But, arriving here at home ("home") I have discovered that not only have I traveled and changed location, but my own personal journey has taken many an emotional flight. A wonderful relationship gone awry, battle with depression, meds, and therapy, a new semi-relationship that I'm simply too frightened of committing to...It's sometimes hard to keep track of where I am. And now, I feel like I have fallen back to where I was ten years ago, somewhere between childhood and adulthood, under my parents' roof and rules, independent spirit stifled by dependence for room and board.

I'm feeling like I don't know who I am, or my place in the world. I don't feel fulfilled by what I'm told should fulfill me. The world tells me a career and money, my religion tells me marriage/family/the home, friends tell me adventure. And yet, somehow all of this feels empty. None of these things seem to do it for me. Is it possible I need a combination of all of them? Or none of them? I'm afraid that I'm facing that age-old existential crisis: why am I here? What is the meaning of life? What's the most important thing? What the hell am I doing?

I don't really expect to come to know any of the answers to these questions. Honestly, I expect to keep fumbling through life, pretending like I know or care what I'm doing when the truth is that I don't.